Saturday, March 15, 2014

Lent

Marsha from church asks if my family celebrates Lent and I say no
My father's parents both went to seminary but me?
I don't know what happens between Mardi Gras and Good Friday
After twenty years of going to churchand I love going to churchI don't know the first thing about it

Lisa's giving up chocolate and I thought about it
Thought about the good it would do for my budget, my waistline, my self confidence
I am Discipline. I can go forty days without chocolate.
And so I didn't.
I don't know about ashes on people's foreheads or semi-vegetarians but I do know that my God will probably not be impressed if I can go forty days without chocolate
And I don't know as much about trade routes or the Middle East or even Christianity as I should, but I don't think Jesus ate much chocolate
He would probably not be impressed either

People have told me that it's all about being closer to God
That every time you forgo a Hershey's bar, you will remember why
Feel it in your heart
Remember the sacrifice He paid
But I think
That I would feel it in my stomach
And forget about the heart

And I am good at forgetting about the heart
Good at not having feelings
Talking about deep passion for history or languages or rock climbing
As if you could ever love an idea as much as you can love a person
I am great at rejecting people
Intentionally or not
Romantically or not
Telling them no and I'm sorry, or staring them down before they ever ask

I started writing down things I might give up for lent
Salt and vinegar chips
Facebook
Sleeping past ten
Mirrors
Insults
Lying by omission

But I didn't give up any of them
They were too ingrained in my world
Critical aspects of my being
And I introduce myself many ways, but there is a lot that I miss
"This is my name, and I look in the mirror once an hour"
"This is my name, and I think I got an A in history last semester because I stared the professor down whenever I disagreed with him"
"This is my name, and I usually forget to tell people I'm bisexual because I'm busy telling l them I don't have feelings"
Is that a lie by omission?

I spend a lot of time at church and there's a lot I don't know
But I don't think my God is a god of dishonesty
There is a lot I don't know
But I have heard that my God is a god of love
And I may not be Discipline, but I know that I am Certainty
And I think that a God who is made of love
A God who created love
And who, I'm told, created us to love
Would not have created us wrong
Have created me wrong
Created me to love wrong

I finished a bag of salt and vinegar chips while writing this poem
And I will probably sleep past ten tomorrow
Even though my alarm goes off at nine
And my god won't love me the less for it
But I have heard that love must come with honesty
And that I cannot love people and continue to forget to say anything
And the truth is that I do forget
That even if I never fall in loveand I might not
I do love
And in the interest of honesty,

Maybe this Lent I will give up forgetting