Lent

Marsha from church asks if my family celebrates Lent and I say no

My father's parents both went to seminary but me?

I don't know what happens between Mardi Gras and Good Friday

After twenty years of going to church—and I love going to church—I don't know the first thing about it

Lisa's giving up chocolate and I thought about it

Thought about the good it would do for my budget, my waistline, my self confidence

I am Discipline. I can go forty days without chocolate.

And so I didn't.

I don't know about ashes on people's foreheads or semi-vegetarians but I do know that my God will probably not be impressed if I can go forty days without chocolate

And I don't know as much about trade routes or the Middle East or even Christianity as I should, but I don't think Jesus ate much chocolate

He would probably not be impressed either

People have told me that it's all about being closer to God

That every time you forgo a Hershey's bar, you will remember why

Feel it in your heart

Remember the sacrifice He paid

But I think

That I would feel it in my stomach

And forget about the heart

And I am good at forgetting about the heart

Good at not having feelings

Talking about deep passion for history or languages or rock climbing

As if you could ever love an idea as much as you can love a person

I am great at rejecting people

Intentionally or not

Romantically or not

Telling them no and I'm sorry, or staring them down before they ever ask

I started writing down things I might give up for lent

Salt and vinegar chips

Facebook

Sleeping past ten

Mirrors

Insults

Lying by omission

But I didn't give up any of them

They were too ingrained in my world

Critical aspects of my being

And I introduce myself many ways, but there is a lot that I miss

"This is my name, and I look in the mirror once an hour"

"This is my name, and I think I got an A in history last semester because I stared the professor down whenever I disagreed with him"

"This is my name, and I usually forget to tell people I'm bisexual because I'm busy telling l them I don't have feelings"

Is that a lie by omission?

I spend a lot of time at church and there's a lot I don't know

But I don't think my God is a god of dishonesty

There is a lot I don't know

But I have heard that my God is a god of love

And I may not be Discipline, but I know that I am Certainty

And I think that a God who is made of love

A God who created love

And who, I'm told, created us to love

Would not have created us wrong

Have created me wrong

Created me to love wrong

I finished a bag of salt and vinegar chips while writing this poem

And I will probably sleep past ten tomorrow

Even though my alarm goes off at nine

And my god won't love me the less for it

But I have heard that love must come with honesty

And that I cannot love people and continue to forget to say anything

And the truth is that I do forget

That even if I never fall in love—and I might not—

I do love

And in the interest of honesty,

Maybe this Lent I will give up forgetting